To be honest, I have lost my motivation to keep trying. Constantly staying inside and isolated must have affected my mind without me realizing it. As the job hunting season in Japan is nearing its end, I feel really helpless and the thoughts of “If I don’t get a job that’s okay since it can’t be helped” started to fill my mind more instead of “I need to keep trying till I get something.”

My day starts when I wake up starving at 12 PM. I would randomly cook some instant stuff or reheat leftovers in my fridge for brunch. While eating, I would have Netflix on and before I knew it, it’s 3 PM (because I continued watching even after I finished my meal). I then try to do something productive only to fail because my mind can’t focus on anything. At that point, I gave up on being productive and started just watching random YouTube videos before I realize it’s already dinner time. I would then take a late shower, watch some more videos, and eventually go to bed at 4 or 5 AM.

And the destructive cycle continues.

Also, ever since yesterday, I felt the guilt of not being productive and not trying my best to get a job getting worse. I heard from my dad that businesses aren’t doing well and I start to worry whether his savings will be enough to support the entire family until this whole stupid crisis is over. My guilt just got worse because staying here in Japan takes a lot of money. I’m not getting any scholarships because institutions don’t offer it to last semester students and I’m not doing any part time jobs because there are limited slots and partially because I’m lazy.

My mind started to think of all those negative stuff and I was (and still am) unable to focus on any of the work that needs to be done. I don’t even have classes. The work that I need to finish is 1) get a job, and 2) finish my thesis. But when I try to work on my thesis, my mind gets filled with job hunting. Vice versa.

At one point, I think my mind entered a delirious state that I didn’t even want to get out of bed and live my day. Even my body felt so lethargic that typing or writing takes so much energy out of me. Even thinking of something feels like so much trouble to me.

So today I went to karaoke with 3 of my other friends. I hoped that it would release some stress and that I would be able to refresh my brain in order to complete more job applications afterward. But I guess that damage is too great that I don’t feel much of a change after we were done. It didn’t feel enough.

And now I feel like I’m just typing random sentences that don’t make sense. I don’t know what I’m trying to say through this post. Some people might worry about the state of mind I’m in right now but hopefully, I will recover after getting more sleep lol.

I apologize for this randomness.