Daily Monday

A broken coping mechanism

Written by

Rin

in

Reading my old blog posts made me realize that I’ve completely forgotten how to express myself.

I used to write about the silly and mundane things that happens everyday. But now I struggle greatly even as I’m writing this post. Previously, I’d tell myself it’s because of my deteriorating English. However, I’ve recently come to think it’s because I’ve lost my ability to “feel”.

Perhaps growing up has dulled my senses permanently. Change happens so quick and having to do so many things that I don’t even want to do just makes it worse. In the end I just tell myself, it can’t be helped, that’s what it means to be an adult.

I eventually stopped trying to process all the emotions, I guess.

Looking back, I think I was a stubborn, egocentric kid.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve changed. It’s quite the opposite. I still am a kid inside, but the way I handle things have changed slightly.

In the past, I would sulk if things don’t go my way, cry when I’m sad, lash out at people when I’m upset. But people expect you not to do that when you’re a grown up. You’re expected to know and understand that there are some things better left unsaid, and that there are thoughts that are better left unexplored.

I couldn’t be honest anymore, even to myself.

Bottling everything up doesn’t solve the problem.

Nor does writing, or singing, or drawing. I guess it used to, but not anymore.

So I brush it away, and leave it in the dark. So it gets forgotten.

Though, I wonder if it’ll crawl back again from the depths one day to haunt me.

Just like now.

Comments

2 responses to “A broken coping mechanism”

  1. Hanako Avatar
    Hanako

    It’s never easy being an adult. There are times when you’ll find that it’s hard to express yourself. All adults suffer from bottling up their emotions. That’s why you don’t see a lot of “personal” blogs by adults. They’re usually about hobbies/interests/family life.

    I blame social media for the “numbness”. It’s hard not to compare your own mundane life with someone who appears to have it all. It use to bother me, but I stopped using social media. Or I limit myself on certain platforms. (I have to use FB for my daughter’s school). I end up watching reels.

    I could say that I’m starting to feel more optimistic about things again. I want to write, I want to read, I want to do things although, I have no energy half the time. I think you should look into doing a PHA Blood Test (It’s a test where they check your red/white blood cells, vitamins, etc). I highly recommend it because it could be as simple as very low Vitamin D such as myself. I’m already starting to feel the change. I’m able to write my first positive blog post in such a long time.

    Your body is just meat, and hormones, vitamins, etc play a huge role. I would have never known that low vitamin d could cause such horrible depression. I’m not sure how well you hydrate yourself, but water plays a big role too.

    I wished I had known how important it was to take care of my body before I reached the age of 40 (almost 40 that is!). I wish I could go back and make sure I ate well. Ate more veggies, eat the right foods, hydrated better, and exercise. I know work is very draining, but I would try to walk for 10 minutes outside, meditate, drink water, eat right. It could change everything for you.

    I’m sorry, I’m doing the mom thing, but I do worry for you. You’ve been my friend (despite the huge age gap) for so long. I only want what’s best for you.

    Reply
    1. Rin Avatar
      Rin

      Thank you for your advice! I stay indoors a lot so perhaps Vitamin D is also one of the reasons why I never feel well. I really should take care of myself (especially my meals) but it’s so hard when I have zero energy most of the time. I guess I’ll start from drinking more water!

      Reply

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