Art and reflections

I drew a cup of ramen because that was my dinner. Haha. It’s been really long since I drew something. I mean, I drew a lot but I’ve never finished something I started completely. Last time I did that was when I’m still active at deviantART. Not anymore. I quit because I don’t believe that what I draw is good enough lol. Heck, I can’t even bring myself to access my old account anymore. It gives me nightmares.

To be honest, I kinda quit art at one point after I found out my dad didn’t support me to go to an art school. I was just super upset at that time because I feel that I couldn’t pursue what I love. He told me that careers for art school graduates are not that good and that he wants me to focus on something else. At the beginning of my third year in high school, everyone was already applying to the universities they wanted to get in, while I was stuck, not knowing what major I should even pursue. My parents didn’t talk to me about it at all, so I just secretly applied to a local university where my friends are planning to enroll. They had visual communication design but I didn’t apply for that and applied for programming major instead. I took the test, got a 90% scholarship, and then my dad told me to drop that university and apply to a university abroad at the last minute.

Why didn’t I try reasoning with my dad? First, because it’s just impossible to reason with him. Second, I know I suck in both art (compared to my friends) and programming (my maths ain’t that good) so when he told me to apply for business, I just complied. That being said, I hated myself for just giving up that easily. I actually prayed to not get accepted to the university abroad so I could just stay home. But I got accepted, and now here I am, majoring in business in a university in Japan.

I love Japan. I love living here since it’s so convenient and safe. But I don’t know if I feel the same way with my studies right now. I feel lost most of the time because most people here know what they want to do and I don’t. They’re so active in so many organizations while I’m not even in one (even now). Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong place, like a fish on land. I don’t really struggle with my studies, but socializing and planning for the future, all those things, I don’t even want to think about it. The number of close friends I have can be counted by hand lol. I get a bit depressed when I think about it and what I do to forget them is gaming, reading, or … drawing (actually I don’t really do it often). All I do is splurge on things, which is why you see a lot of haul posts.

I know hauls only give you momentary ‘happiness’. So now I’m trying to stop myself from buying so many things. I try to keep myself busy with the things I love like manga and art. Currently, I’m doing summaries of raw mangas on Tumblr and I’m trying to regain my sense of creativity by getting back to art. I just purchased an app named Procreate on my iPad pro and that’s what I used to create that cup ramen image lol. It’s far from perfect but I had fun creating it. Getting an art done is satisfying it makes me feel that I accomplished something. I hope I can keep this positive vibe about art and keep it going.

Thank you for reading this long wall of text. ♥