Daily Monday

When you desire something bigger, other achievements seem less important

I’d always thought that you would feel positive emotions like happiness when something that you’ve worked hard for finally got recognized and rewarded.

I woke up today to the announcement email of me being selected as a recipient for the Outstanding Thesis Award. Apparently, only one person from each seminar class could be selected for this award, and I happened to be the one from my class. I took a screenshot of the email, sent it to my parents, and went back to sleep.

I’ve seen lots of my friends talk about this award. One of them are even desperate for it. So naturally, I expect myself to be happy to receive it, but for some reason, I feel totally indifferent.

It feels kind of wrong to have these thoughts and it may be offensive to my friends who were aiming for that award. I didn’t tell anybody about it until they asked me directly. Their reactions when they found out were all the same: “Oh, wow! Congratulations! You deserved it.” I typed “thanks” halfheartedly and pressed send.

Another email came in the afternoon. The title read: XXX Company Document Screening Results. I opened the email and spent 2 seconds to look at it. I went back to the inbox, swiped right on the newly received email and pressed ‘Delete’.

I guess I wanted a job offer more than a thesis award right now.



A 22 y.o child at heart and office worker. Spends most of her free time browsing YouTube and playing RPG games. Has an attention span of 3 seconds and sucks at organizing her thoughts.


  1. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. It must be disappointing when you want one thing, but ended up receiving something that’s suppose to be a good thing. You may not appreciate it now, but I’m sure you’ll appreciate it later on. I would take a longer break from job hunting. I know you’re feeling a time crunch with September getting closer and closer, but I’m sure everything will work out in the end. Maybe fate/destiny doesn’t want you in Japan? But that doesn’t mean to give up! If you set your mind to wanting to stay where you are, you can make it work out!

    1. Actually, I’ve accepted the fact that I may have to leave the country soon and I’m quite OK with that since I can meet my mom again. But my dad wants me to stay here longer and try harder lol. I guess because I thought it’s OK if I end up going back, I started putting less effort into finding jobs here.

  2. I honestly think going home is the better option for the time being. You need some time to not do anything for awhile, if you know what I mean!

    1. I honestly think so too. I just really wanna rest and not think of anything for a long time. Sadly, my dad won’t be happy if I said that.

  3. I wouldn’t worry about telling your dad that. He doesn’t have to know. You need to recuperate first which is important for your overall health. 🙂 Sometimes, it’s okay not to explain things to your parents. I learned that over the years.

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