I’d always thought that you would feel positive emotions like happiness when something that you’ve worked hard for finally got recognized and rewarded.
I woke up today to the announcement email of me being selected as a recipient for the Outstanding Thesis Award. Apparently, only one person from each seminar class could be selected for this award, and I happened to be the one from my class. I took a screenshot of the email, sent it to my parents, and went back to sleep.
I’ve seen lots of my friends talk about this award. One of them are even desperate for it. So naturally, I expect myself to be happy to receive it, but for some reason, I feel totally indifferent.
It feels kind of wrong to have these thoughts and it may be offensive to my friends who were aiming for that award. I didn’t tell anybody about it until they asked me directly. Their reactions when they found out were all the same: “Oh, wow! Congratulations! You deserved it.” I typed “thanks” halfheartedly and pressed send.
Another email came in the afternoon. The title read: XXX Company Document Screening Results. I opened the email and spent 2 seconds to look at it. I went back to the inbox, swiped right on the newly received email and pressed ‘Delete’.
I guess I wanted a job offer more than a thesis award right now.