Turning 22 in the middle of pandemic
It’s kinda normal to have my birthday pass without anything big really happening. Usually I would’ve celebrated it at home with my mom since I would always come home when it’s summer break in Japan. This time, it’s just me spending it alone with no cakes (usually mom would bake one for me) or some fancy dinner (usually dad will take us out). There’s none of that this time, so I guess I’m a little bit sad about that.
I did treat myself with a bunch of stuff so I guess that’s nice. But the happiness only lasts for a while. It disappears when I start thinking that I’ve turned this age but still jobless and relying entirely on my parents to live. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel somewhat pathetic.
As I grow older, I feel like I become more broken inside. I found myself empathizing with Connell (from the novel Normal People) so much when he got himself diagnosed with severe depression. I was curious about my own state as well so I tried searching for the same Beck’s Depression Inventory and filled it out myself. I found myself laughing when my total score turned out 37. I wasn’t sure if I laughed because I found it funny or because I’m slowly losing it. Well, it’s a self-administered test so I’m not taking it that seriously. (Should I?)
Well, other than that, I think I’m still functioning quite normally. There were times when I lost my appetite but I still eat because my brain knows I need to. I’m focusing less on job hunting, though. I just can’t bring myself to put as much effort for some reason. I’ve also been conversing with my parents more recently because they’ve been asking me to design furnitures for a new house. (What a bad timing that the house was completed during the pandemic). I didn’t tell them about my current condition though. Maybe I don’t trust them enough but I’m pretty sure they’ll either exaggerate or laugh it off. Funny how I feel more comfortable writing about this kind of stuff online where everyone can read. Maybe because I know that only one person reads this blog. Haha.
Anyways, I think I’ll go cook myself some noodles since it’s the classic meal to eat for birthdays.
6 comments
First off, Happy Birthday! I truly wish there was something I could do for you to make your birthday very special. But I couldn’t find any easy solutions. I know it’s tough celebrating your birthday on your own, but you can always see if one of your friends are available to watch a movie together without one visiting the other. Just find the movie to stream at the same time, and chat about it by texting or online. Then perhaps you won’t feel so lonely. We could schedule time to talk back and forth. I can see if my husband is up to paying for Nintendo Online play and we can schedule time to play ACNH together?
Anyway, you’re not a failure and there is nothing wrong with getting your parents help. I lived with my family until I was almost 27. And even then, I still got help from my parents. They sent me money on several occasions afterwards too. My dad still pays for my cellphone services and all my streaming sites. It’s okay to feel depressed. The world has gone to shit. Not the way the movies had predicted it, but still pretty shitty. The fact that you are aware that you are depressed is a good thing. You can still feel emotions. Real depression is scary. You’re left feeling numb like how Connell felt until he was around Marianne. That’s real depression. You’ll also have suicidal thoughts. Do you have suicidal thoughts? Do you think of hurting or harming yourself in any way? If you answered yes, please, please find help. Your life is so very important. It may seem meaningless right now, but it’s not. Again, I feel like you should take a good, long break from job hunting. You are not failing at life. Your life has barely begun. I know that side of the world thinks differently from this side, but you’re doing great. And honestly, sometimes it’s easier to talk to a friend about how you feel than your own parents. I’m always here. If you need to chat it’s… 12:40pm here so that makes it 1:40am over by you. We can schedule time to chat back and forth. I can free myself around 10pm which will be 11am for you? Would that work for you?
I hope you find happiness on your birthday. You are a blessing in everyone’s life, not just to your family, but also to your friends including myself. You’re an amazing person, and incredibly talented! I wish you a very happy birthday!
Thank you for the birthday wishes! You’ve done a lot by constantly reading my blog and commenting on it. It means a lot to me. 🙂 I would love to do the ACNH session with you! Haha. Do let me know if you decide to get the subscription!
Hearing from you and other people that I’m not a failure really makes me relieve somehow. Thank you! I’ve nearly experienced that numbness to the point where I literally do nothing at all for a day (not even eat, etc.) I’m not sure how I was able to escape that vicious cycle at one point. But I’m glad I did. I don’t go as far as wanting to harm myself but I guess my mind loves to imagine all sorts of things related to death. I wish I could find help in Japan, but this country doesn’t really have anything to help mental illness. That is also the reason why one of my friends dropped out of uni to return to his home country to get a proper treatment for his condition.
I’ve talked about this topic to one of my friends. He’s been listening to me but he wasn’t sure how to help since he’s never experienced it. But anyways, I’m just grateful there are someone who are willing to listen to my thoughts like you and my friend! It makes me feel better just to be able to spill everything out.
Once again, thank you for the wishes and the supportive comment! Knowing you is the best gift I’ve ever had!
I would like to get you a gift, but I’m really unsure how. Amazon US isn’t the same as Amazon JPN, so I can’t easily send you a gift.
Thank you! But you don’t need to, really! I’m just happy with the thoughts hehe. 😆
From my own experience and dealing with my mom who has depression, the best thing is to push yourself to do things. I know the difficulty about this. I know coloring is really good for depression. Honestly, I think any form of art is especially good. It gives your brain something to focus on and have the mental satisfaction of completing something. Stay away from job hunting for a week, and see how you feel at the end. I know it’s hard to express oneself without feeling judged online, even sometimes by friends, so I think a private journal will help. Track the days you feel like you don’t want to do things, or the days you don’t get out of bed. Reward yourself the days you get up with something small like a sweet treat. (I love having chocolate on hand for this reason. When I complete my chores, I get to have one…or two!) Have a time of day where you drink hot tea/coco/coffee and listen to calm music. When you go back to job hunting, only do it for an hour MAX each day. And remember, everyone’s life is different. Don’t compare yourself to other people your age. You’re young. Your life just begun. You haven’t failed at anything. You’re loved. You’re wonderful. You’re talented. You’re an amazing person. 🙂
Thank you for the advice! I guess that’s why I’ve been drawing a lot these days for some reason haha. I haven’t been searching for any job openings for several weeks now, and it feels nice not having to think about it. I also keep a journal just to dump my random thoughts that’s otherwise too disturbing to be spread online lol. It helps to get my mind off stuff once I finish writing.
Thanks for always telling me these wonderful words! 🙂