It’s kinda normal to have my birthday pass without anything big really happening. Usually I would’ve celebrated it at home with my mom since I would always come home when it’s summer break in Japan. This time, it’s just me spending it alone with no cakes (usually mom would bake one for me) or some fancy dinner (usually dad will take us out). There’s none of that this time, so I guess I’m a little bit sad about that.
I did treat myself with a bunch of stuff so I guess that’s nice. But the happiness only lasts for a while. It disappears when I start thinking that I’ve turned this age but still jobless and relying entirely on my parents to live. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel somewhat pathetic.
As I grow older, I feel like I become more broken inside. I found myself empathizing with Connell (from the novel Normal People) so much when he got himself diagnosed with severe depression. I was curious about my own state as well so I tried searching for the same Beck’s Depression Inventory and filled it out myself. I found myself laughing when my total score turned out 37. I wasn’t sure if I laughed because I found it funny or because I’m slowly losing it. Well, it’s a self-administered test so I’m not taking it that seriously. (Should I?)
Well, other than that, I think I’m still functioning quite normally. There were times when I lost my appetite but I still eat because my brain knows I need to. I’m focusing less on job hunting, though. I just can’t bring myself to put as much effort for some reason. I’ve also been conversing with my parents more recently because they’ve been asking me to design furnitures for a new house. (What a bad timing that the house was completed during the pandemic). I didn’t tell them about my current condition though. Maybe I don’t trust them enough but I’m pretty sure they’ll either exaggerate or laugh it off. Funny how I feel more comfortable writing about this kind of stuff online where everyone can read. Maybe because I know that only one person reads this blog. Haha.
Anyways, I think I’ll go cook myself some noodles since it’s the classic meal to eat for birthdays.